September 7th, 2008 by Admin

The Board of Directors of the Microsoft Corporation, the world’s largest computer software provider, and the Harley-Davidson Motor Company, America’s largest manufacturer of heavyweight motorcycles, have voted to approve a merger that will create one of the world’s largest but strangest multinational corporations.

“When you think about it, it only makes sense,” said Harley-Davidson Director of Communications Steve Piehl. “We both share the same fundamental design philosophies: Our products are large, antiquated, slow, full of bugs and break down at the most unexpected moments. We like to think of this natural marriage as synergy.”

The new company will be known as Micro-Davidson and based neither in Redmond, Washington nor Milwaukee, Wisconsin but somewhere in between. Company representatives have been scouting sites along the Wyoming/South Dakota border. Instead of moving to an existing township, the cash-rich conglomerate plans to build its own. Micro-Davidson reps denied a rumor that they plan to petition Congress for statehood, but told Motorcycle Online that buying a few counties is not out of the question.

Micro-Davidson will trade simultaneously on both the NYSE and Nasdaq stock exchanges under the symbol WERULE. Financial details of the merger have not been made public but it is expected to be a stock for stock exchange.

Currently in the works is an entirely new motorcycle model, the first from the new M-D. Named the MicroHog, the new cruiser will be powered by a brand new engine, the Twin Cam 95.1 — an air-cooled, push rod V-Twin containing an Intel Pentium III processor that will automatically load Internet Explorer 4.0 upon thumbing the starter button and overwrite all competing browsers while disabling most non-genuine Harley-Davidson parts.

Following Microsoft’s example, MicroHogs will not be owned outright by the purchaser, but rather licensed for personal use. Upgrades will be available, the price of which depends on the market.

M-D’s software side will receive some pointers from the former Motor Company as well. “Instead of that soft, shrill squeak you hear when you boot your computer or open a new program, you will now hear a loud rumble and your keyboard will vibrate,” said Piehl.

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

—==( Forwards beamed into deep space )==—

“Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?”

“Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.” (Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)

(Riker looks puzzled.) “What the hell is ‘Microsoft’?”

(Data turns to answer.) “Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called ‘Windows’, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.”

“But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won’t they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?”

“Yes, Captain. But when ‘Windows’ detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an ‘upgrade’. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.”

“Excellent work. This is even better than that ‘unsolvable geometric shape’ idea.”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.

The first woman said, “My husband is a marriage counselor, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that.”

The second woman proclaimed, “My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, I like that.”

The third woman replied, “Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it’s going to be when I get it.”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. “Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it’ll work!?”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

In my life, when I read comics, I thought the “zzzz” in those little balloons indicated someone was sleeping! Boy, did I miss the boat, and it took me all these years to figure it out! All that wasted time! With the help of Bill Gates (the man who avoided changing the lightbulb by redefining darkness as the standard), I have, indeed, seen the light.

Now,I finally know what all those “sleeping” people in those comics had on their minds!

If you want to see what I’m babbling about, start up Microsoft Word, type in “zzzz” (without the quotes, of course) and hit the spell check. Now you too can be enlightened!

REMEMBER it has to be 4 letters of z. Try using the thesaurus too.

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Another fine item from the minds of Intel engineers with a tad too much time on their hands:

Top 10 things to do while waiting for Windows 95

Try to fix all the other Windows stuff that ain’t working.
Buy stock in the company that’ll be making all those (’96) stickers.
Tease Microsoft for not having a great code name like OS/2 does.
Move to Seattle to save money on support calls and hear Frasier every morning to boot.
Think up some more “they’ll have a version for it soon” excuses.
E-mail technet@microsoft.com every day asking “Is it done yet?”
Lobby to get name changed to “BOB - Profesional Edition.”
Corner local Prozac and Mountain Dew markets, ransom to Microsoft development staff.
Consider renaming all in-house applications to something 95 to avoid deadlines.
Quit job, become sanitation engineer with decent pay and can-eat benefits.