September 7th, 2008 by Admin

The United States of America apologizes to the People’s Republic of China for allowing our slow, lumbering reconnaissance plane to be hit by your poorly trained, hot-dogging fighter pilot, while flying in international airspace.

We’re sorry we have to fly surveillance missions to monitor a country that has nuclear missiles pointed at us.

We’re sorry your pilot didn’t follow international standards of fighter intercept protocol.

We’re sorry his aircraft recognition skills were so poor he didn’t realize the EP-3 aircraft was propeller driven and flew his aircraft through its propeller arc, destroying his aircraft and nearly killing 24 American crewmen.

We’re sorry your fighter pilot’s survival training and equipment was so inadequate that he couldn’t survive until your poorly trained and equipped navy could find him (they turned down our offer for search and rescue assistance).

We’re sorry you violated international law and arrested the crewmen of an aircraft that legally diverted into your airfield under emergency conditions caused by your pilot’s actions, after being led there by one of your other pilots.

We’re sorry you violated international law and boarded a state aircraft.

We’re sorry the world is now seeing you for the enemy of freedom, truth, and democracy that you really are.

We’re sorry you see yourself as a superpower when in reality you are a third world nation (the average Chinese worker earns less than $.10 a day).

We’re sorry you are loosing so much face over this.

We’re sorry that you were able to steal some missile and nuclear secrets from us.

We’re sorry you haven’t learned from the Soviet Union’s collapse and failed to embrace democracy and capitalism (compare tiny Taiwan and mainland China; same people, same culture, but Taiwan’s capitalistic economy is a powerhouse and China’s economy is still mired in communism).

We’re sorry for the future Chinese military deaths that will occur when we retaliate for your roguish behavior.

And most of all, we’re sorry for the Chinese people who suffer its leaders’ incompetence.

Sincerely,

Rob Robinette

Citizen of the United States of America

P.S. If a speed boat goes out to inspect a cruise ship and they collide, who do you think is at fault?

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

This supposedly is an essay written by a college applicant when applying to colleges/universities. It made me laugh right out loud!

3A. ESSAY - IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30-minute brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller #9 and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary 4-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Thought I’d pass along a grant proposal for important research. The following letter was received by the head meteorologist at the Miami, FL weather service office.

Dear Sir:

Last night, my 7 year-old son saw the movie Twister. He has abandoned his dreams of being a train engineer and wants to be a meteorologist. Needless to say he was determined to make an even better tornado studying machine. He wanted to empty his bank account to get a tornado sniffing dog.

I told him that the U.S. Government funded scientific research, and suggested he write for a grant. I thought you may enjoy his efforts, and I know that we would appreciate some kind of reply to his Grant Request.

Thank you for your time.

Dear Sirs:

I want to make an experiment to study tornadoes from the inside. I need a lot of money, so I am asking you for a Grant.

I will need these things:

1 helicopter
5 gallons of gas for the helicopter
5 pilots for the helicopter
1 stewardess to serve cokes
1 dog with a good sense of smell (not too big)
1 crash helmet for the dog
100 cameras
100 empty cans of coke (cut into little wings with a hole in the middle)
10 video cameras
1 Doppler radar
1 truck
1 camper lunch
2 computers (1 with pictures)
100 metal boxes for cameras (with a hole so the camera can see outside)
100 parachutes for the cameras
1 vacation for my family to Oklahoma and Kansas so we can find tornadoes

I think this will probably cost around $5000, so send me the money as soon as you can, so I can find a dog with a good sense of smell to sniff the tornadoes. I promised an old lady that we would bring her a video of the inside of a tornado, so I really need to get started.

Thank you,

Chaille

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

alt.sex.lesbian.steel_workers
alt.aviation.kamikazi.pilots
alt.sex.gay.policemen
alt.sex.straight_actors_guild
alt.aviation.hang_gliders.quadraplegic
comp.os.win95.happy_users
alt.military.deutchland.ss.former.hit-squad.members
alt.religion.jewish.oversexed.girls
alt.justice.free.charles.manson
alt.medical.proctologist.talk

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

PASSENGER
A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused these creatures collect into a group called a “line.” This “line” has no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species: Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus ignoramus.
PRE-BOARD
Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before departure.
VOLUNTARY OVERSALE
A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is coming off the flight.
NO-RECORD
Any passenger booked through a travel agency.
NON-REVENUE POSITION
Usually can be identified by the fact that these passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or flight attendant uniforms. Non-revenue position are permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent revenue passengers from being able to pay first class passenger charges.
GROUP
A large loud pack of passengers (see passenger) travelling together. The group leader, who has the tickets, usually waits in the bar until the required pre-board time of five minutes before departure, or until there are no seats left together, whichever occurs last. Reservation agents are prohibited form pre-assigning seats to groups as this may convenience them.
SIGN
An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small children. Its primary function is to hide the location of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.
POSITION CLOSED
This is a sign posted at various counter locations, which when interpreted by the passenger says, “Form line here.”
BAGGAGE CLAIM
The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, “Baggage Claim Area.”
CARRY ON BAG
An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passenger’s seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says the following are not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires, or wide screen projection TVs.
FLIGHT SCHEDULE
An entertaining work of paperback fiction.
ON-TIME
An obscure term, meaning unknown.
FOG
A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an airport while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used to delay flights.
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL
A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights.
TICKET AGENT
A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability of an Australian sheepdog, the E.S.P. abilities of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psychoanalysts, and and the tact of a diplomat. They have mysterious abilities to control wind/rain/snow/fog and all other weather phenomenon. They are capable of answering three questions at one time, while talking on the phone, and without stuttering or choking on their tongue. In later life they start carrying on mysterious conversations with themselves.

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Justin Williams told this joke on his Cajun Cooking show:

Two Cajuns, Rober’ and Maurice, decided that hunting possums had gotten too dull, so they planned a trip to Canada to shoot moose. They flew in commercial planes all the way to Saskatoon, and from there, they hired a bush pilot to take them in a little plane into moose country.

The pilot put them down in a short little airstrip about 200 kms from nowhere.

“Boys,” he said, “I’ll be back here at noon in three days. You be right here, and remember that this plane is too small to carry more than the three of us and ONE moose. So, there’s no need to hunting more than ONE moose, because you won’t be able to take but one out of here.”

Robert and Maurice nodded agreement, and off the plane went, leaving the two Cajuns in the wilderness, eager for their hunting expedition.

On the third day, the plane landed at 11:55 local time, and there beside the airstrip were Robert and Maurice, each sitting on a moose, grinning broadly.

“OK,” said the pilot, “which moose are we going to take back?”

“Why, both of them,” said Rober’, “we got to take these meese back to show that we are both as good as the other.”

“No, no, NO,” said the pilot, “I told you that the plane could bring back only ONE moose.”

“What’s the matter?” asked Maurice, “ain’t yo’ plane good enough to carry one little ol’ extra moose? We got two meese on a plane just like this one last year.”

“OK,” agrees the pilot, “ain’t nobody going to out-fly me around here. If you got two moose on that plane, you can get two moose on my plane.”

So, they load up, take off, and the plane, as predicted, can’t handle the extra load, and they CRASH.

The two Cajuns wake up in adjacent tree tops, and Rober’ asks, “Where ARE we?”

Maurice reponds, “About 100 yards further that we were last year!”