September 7th, 2008 by Admin

It seems that a golfer came in from the course with contusions about the throat; he could hardly talk. His friends asked him what happened to him out there.

In a very scratchy voice and with much effort he said, “Well, when I teed off on the sixteenth hole I sliced the damn thing so bad that it went entirely over the rough and into the cow pasture. So, I climbed the fence to look for my ball, but I couldn’t find it in the high grass.

Just then I noticed something white sticking in a cow’s ass. I lifted up her tail and looked, but it was a Dunlop and I was playing a Spaulding. Suddenly, this lady was climbing the fence - she was looking for her ball too.

So I lifted up the cow’s tail and pointed and said, ‘Lady, does this look like your’s?’ And she hit me in the throat with a five iron.”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

The season is upon us, and so that all you duffers out there are prepared, here’s a little poem for you all to memorize and trot out as the need arises.

Trees: A Golfing Parody

I think that I shall never see

a hazard rougher than an tree;

A tree o’er which my ball must fly

if on the green it is to lie.

A tree which stands that green to guard,

and makes the shot extremely hard;

A tree whose leafy arms extend

to kill the six iron shot I send.

A tree that stands in silence there,

while angry golfers rave and swear.

Irons were made for fools like me

who cannot ever miss a tree.

(Author unknown, but with apologies to Joyce Kilmer)

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

“Don’t you have at least one other golf ball?”, he asked.

The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. “Are you sure?”, the friend persisted. “What happens if you lose that ball?”

The other guy replied, “This is a very special golf ball. I won’t lose it so I don’t need another one.”

Well,” the friend asked, “what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?”

“That’s okay,” he replied, “this special golf ball floats. I’ll be able to retrieve it.”

“Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?”

The other guy replied, “That’s okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I’ll be able to get it back - no problem.”

Exasperated, the friend asks, “Okay. Let’s say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?”

“No problem,” says the other guy, “you see, this ball is fluourescent. I’ll be able to see it in the dark.”

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, “Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?”

The other guy replies, “I found it.”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Two dwarfs were on a golf vacation, and after playing 36 holes on the first day, they hit the local bar.

After a few drinks, they decided to pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, was unable to get an erection. His depression was made worse by the fact that from the next room he heard cries of “One, two, three … uhh!” all night long.

On the first tee the next morning, the second dwarf asked the first, “How did it go?”

The first whispered back, “It was so embarrassing. I couldn’t get an erection.”

The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing?” he cried. “I couldn’t even get on the damn bed!”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Posted at a local golf club:

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet please … while others are preparing to go.

10. Don’t take extra strokes. Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside and tee off.

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Old man Woodruff loved golf, but his age was making it increasingly difficult for him to play. He complained to the clubhouse man about his eyesight.

“I can’t play with my glasses on because they keep falling off,” he said. “And I’m too darn nearsighted to play without them.”

“Why don’t you play with Hughes?” the clubhouse man suggested.

“Him?” Woodruff scoffed. “He’s ninety-eight if he’s a day, and he can’t get around without a wheelchair!”

“True,” said the clubhouse man, “but he’s farsighted.”

So the next day, Woodruff and Hughes played together. Woodruff took a tremendous swing and hit the ball well. “Boy, that felt good!” he exclaimed. “Did you see it?” he asked Hughes.

“Yes,” the very old man replied.

“Where did it go?”

“I can’t remember,” Hughes sighed.