September 7th, 2008 by Admin

A man is passing a butcher’s shop and sees a sign: “Special Offer - Brains”

Cow brainsa penny a pound
Sheep brains2 pounds a pound
Pig brains2 pounds a pound
Doctor brains50 pounds a pound
Engineer brains50 pounds a pound
Programmer brains50 pounds a pound
Lawyer brains1000 pounds a pound

and he goes into the shop and says to the butcher “Excuse me, I couldn’t help noticing your sign - I suppose the cow brains are so much cheaper than the other brains because of the Mad Cow Disease scare.”

“That’s right” says the butcher.

“And,” continues the man, “I suppose the lawyer brains are so much more expensive than the other brains because they’re such high quality.”

“Not at all,” says the butcher “do you know how many lawyers you gotta kill to get a pound of brain?”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Witness: “Well, I think …”

Lawyer: “Don’t think! In this court you tell what you know not what you think.”

Witness: “I’m not a lawyer. I can’t talk without thinking!”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can’t possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the pearly gates, shakes his hand and says, “Congratulations son, we’ve been waiting a long time for you!”

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the attorney sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says, “Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments but congratulations for what? I honestly don’t remember doing anything really special when I was alive.”

“Congratulations for what?!” exclaims Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man’s modesty. “We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!”

The lawyer is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth agape. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says, “Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy but I only lived to be forty.”

“That’s simply impossible son,” says Saint Peter. “We’ve added up your time sheets.”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.

“I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

“Funny you should come to me,” said the Rabbi. “Like you I too brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he too comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian.”

“What did you do?” asked the Lawyer.

“I turned to God for the answer” replied the Rabbi.

“And what did he say?” pressed the Lawyer.

“God said, ‘Funny you should come to me…’”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

A Hindu Priest, a Rabbi and a Lawyer were all traveling together and came upon an Inn with only two available rooms. The Innkeeper said that one of them must volunteer to sleep in the barn.

The Hindu volunteered but two minutes later there was a knock at the door. The Hindu Priest said “I can not sleep in the barn because there is a cow there.”

The Rabbi then volunteered to sleep in the barn. Two minutes later there was another knock at the door. The Rabbi returned saying “I can not sleep in the barn because there is a pig in there.”

The lawyer then volunteered to sleep in the barn. Two minutes later there was a knock at the door. It was the cow and the pig.