September 7th, 2008 by Admin

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”.
“I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest.
“No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.”
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD.” Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”
“That’s okay,” replied the priest. “I got him with the door.”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
Motorcycles’ curves never sag.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles don’t get pregnant.
You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month.
Motorcycles don’t have parents.
Motorcycles don’t whine unless something is really wrong.
You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old
one is really worn.
If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
Motorcycles don’t care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
Motorcycles don’t care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
Motorcycles don’t mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy
Motorcycle magazines.
New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don’t want to pay for them,
you don’t get them.
If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don’t have to discuss politics to
correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
You don’t have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
You don’t have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your
Motorcycle.
You don’t have to convince your Motorcycle that you’re a motorcyclist and
that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don’t have to apologize
before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won’t get sore.
Your parents don’t remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump
it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
Motorcycles don’t insult you if you are a bad rider.
Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
Motorcycles don’t care if you are late.
You don’t have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
It’s always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
If your Motorcycle doesn’t look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can’t get diseases from a Motorcycle you don’t know very well.

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

At a church, a new priest was being trained. He was so nervous at his first mass
that he could hardly speak. Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the
Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, “Next week it may help if you
put some Vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go
smoothly.”

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice, and was able to
talk up a storm and did just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he
found a note from the Monsignor:

Next time, sip rather than gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples not 10.

David slew Goliath, he did not kick his ass.

We do not refer to our saviour Jesus Christ and his apostles as “J.C. and
the Boys.”

Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter
pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

We do not refer to the cross as the “The Big T.”

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as “Big Daddy,
Junior, and the Spook.”

The recommended Grace before meals is not “Rub-A-Dub, thanks for the grub,
Yo God!”

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was
stoned off his ass.

When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat
it, for it is my body,” he did not say, “Eat me.”

Last, but not least, it is the “Virgin Mary,” not “Mary with the Cherry.”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car
accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he
could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped
for in life, and they still desired wedded union.

He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were
married in a simple ceremony.

So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time,
that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and
said, “We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have
irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?”

“Are you kidding?” said St. Peter. “It took me a hundred years to get a priest
up here to marry you. I will never get a lawyer!”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Three priests went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and
were exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded,
they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their
“freedom”. As they were crossing an open area, a group of ladies came along from
town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, two of the priests covered their
privates, but the third one covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the first two
priests asked the third why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The third replied, “I do not know about you, but in my congregation, it is my
face they would recognize.”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

They were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They
asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he met his fate. The
priest said that he would like to face up so he would be looking towards heaven
when he died. They raised the blade of the guillotine, released it, it came
speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches from his neck. The authorities
took this as divine intervention and released the priest.

Next the drunkard came to the guillotine. He also decided to die face up hoping
that he would be as fortunate as the priest. They raised the blade of the
guillotine, released it, it came speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches
from his neck. So they released the drunkard as well.

The engineer was next. He too decided to die facing up. They slowly raised the
blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer said, “Hey, I see what your
problem is.”