September 7th, 2008 by Admin

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we’re gonna get killed!”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Bill, a prominent southern California business man, got stuck in a traffic jam for the N-th day in a row and decided there and then that he had had enough. He made up his mind to liquidate his assets and buy a ranch in the middle of Nowhere Wyoming. Which he did.

He bought a ranch complete with a rather run down ranch house and set about to getting the ranch house up to code. He spent several months doing nothing but construction work.

One day he saw someone riding towards him over a far off hill. The rider eventually got up to the ranch house and introduced himself as Bill’s nearest neighbor, and said he had been planning to come over and exchange greeting, but wanted to wait for Bill to get settled in.

Bill was pretty excited, as he hadn’t really had any human contract for several months now, which was quite a change from his former life.

After exchanging greetings, Bill asked his neighbor “what do youall do for some fun around here”?

The neighbor replied “Funny you should ask. I came over here to invite you to a party at my place next Saturday”

“Thats great” Bill said. “I really could use the break and would like to meet the rest of my neighbors.” Bill went on “What kind of a party is this going to be”?

The neighbor said “Oh ther’ll be some drinken and some shooten and some fucken!”

“That sounds great” said Bill.

“Well then, next Saturday at my place. About 8:00 then”?

And with that the neighbor mounted his horse and headed back the way he came.

Bill suddenly thought of something and yelled to the neighbor “What should I wear”?

The neighbor replied “Oh it don’t matter. Its just going to be the two of us!”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Copy of a Toronto farmer’s reply to a letter of demand from the Tax Office:

Dear Sir,

Your final tax demand arrived this morning. You say that you cannot understand why this account has not been settled.

Well - here are the reasons :

In 1985 I bought a small sawmill on credit

In 1986 I bought a timber wagon, a team of horses, two ponies, a double-barelled shotgun and two razor-backed hogs - all on credit.

In 1988 the bloody mill burned down leaving not a damned thing. One of my ponies died. The other pony I loaned to a neighbor who, I later found out, knew nothing about animals and starved the poor bugger to death. I then joined the Church.

In 1989 my father died and my brother was jailed for rape. A tramp seduced my daughter and made her pregnant. I had to pay the dirty bastard $500 to prevent him becoming a relative.

In 1990 one of my boys got the mumps. It affected his balls so badly he had to be castrated to save his life. Later that year while out fishing, the rubber dinghy overturned drowning two of my boys - neither being the castrated one.

In 1991 my wife ran off with a sheepshearer, leaving me with newly born twins as a souvenir. I employed a housekeeper whom I later married (to keep down expenses.) I had one hell of a job trying to make her pregnant. I saw my doctor who advised me that I should create some excitement at the crucial moment. That night I took the shotgun to bed with me and, at the time I thought she was right, I leaned out of the bed, and fired the gun out of the window.

Result - my wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself, and I shot the best milking cow I ever had.

In 1992 someone cut the nuts off my prize bull. I was buggered completely and took to drink.

I carried on drinking until all I had left in the world was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for quite a while.

After a time, I pulled myself together and bought, again on credit, a manure spreader, a reaper, a binder and another cow. Then the floods came and washed the whole bloody lot away. I was not insured.

My wife got VD from a travelling salesman, and another son, while taking a crap when working in the far field, wiped his arse on a poisoned rabbit skin and died from the infection. Again, it was not the castrated one.

You will imagine my surprise by reading that YOU will cause me trouble if I do not pay up! If you can think of any trouble that I may have missed out on, I would very much like to hear about it.

Trying to get money out of me is like trying to poke butter up a porcupine’s ass with a red hot poker.

Yours for more credit

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold your farts in until she leaves the room; she’s a gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; you’re so sweet and adorable, and headjobs follow ambient dinners like a fine grandfather port.

After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie daks while hypnotised by Coronation Street; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does have a great arse. When apathy replaces ardour, living together becomes cohabitation; and your gorgeous sex kitten becomes “her indoors”

Six key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.

Addictions

Before:

You tell her you don’t mind the occasional cold beer on a hot day with your mates, and that you’ve taken recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.

After:

For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out your stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and expect her to accept that you’re just being you.

Bodily functions

Before:

You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.

After:

You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the resultant odour. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head under the covers. You think it’s hilarious.

Relations/Friends

Before:

Her aunty Jane is a real character with a lively personality and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think isreally nice.

After:

Aunty Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-arse fascist with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you wouldn’t mind slipping her one if the opportunity arose.

Sex

Before:

Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours. You fuck to impress, using all your tricks - your renowned tit grope, marathon oral sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. Fucking four times a day is not uncommon.

After:

A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.

Attention span

Before:

Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her childhood.

After:

Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that doesn’t involve you. What’s more, you develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The phrase, “Are you listening to me?” becomes an evening mantra.

The flip side

Before:

She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass male habits which have plagued her previous relationships … but she suspects that you’re full of shit.

After:

She knows you’re full of shit

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Smurf Sex: this happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you’re blue in the face.
Kitchen Sex: this is at the beginning of the marriage; you’ll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.
Bedroom Sex: you’ve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
Hallway Sex: this is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, “Fuck you!”
Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”

The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there be was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.

While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story are:

Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.

In summary

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up, some fooling around and some simply just idling.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.