September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Dear Dr. Verne:

I’m gonna be gittin’ a tattoo removed from my most womanly bod. Being of the good redneck breeding that I’m is, I’s worried about affectin’ my good standing. I can offer you no better reason than my old man don’t like me having my ex-old man’s name writ on me, so I’ms getting rid of it.

Verne, please tell me straight: Am I getting woosified? Or should I replace the tattoo with his name?

- Worried in Des Moines

Dear Worried:

It all depends on which kinda tattoo you got. Now if you got the ex’s name with the old rose on the ankle or the heart on the boob, I’d lose the damn thing. Ever since them sorority chicks named Tiffany started doing it, guys might figure you’s an inferior yuppie babe which talks in that high chipmunk voice and you’ll never get to growing your butt out to a decent size.

But if you got one of them giant serpents that covers your back, that’s class. I’d keep that baby and just cross out the ex’s name with some spray paint and write the new guy in.

Now to take what you call your precautionary measures, I’d probably get your future tattoos with more commoner names, like Bob or John. If you ain’t shacked up with no guy named Bob or John now, chances are you’s gonna be in the future. This is what business guys call your strategic planning.

But say you happen to be a man who got this same problem. Good tattoos for guys is the old Semper Fi, the anchor, “MOM,” skull-and-crossbones or the phone number of your bail bondsman across your knuckles.

Stuff that ain’t manly, and could damn well be classified as candy-assed, is the Superman logo, frat boy initials, cartoon guys, insects like butterflies that don’t even bite nothing, and that damned barbed wire, which is usually weared by guys who bought their pipes at the fruity health club, instead of lifting railroad ties and eating meat.

Now if you’s a guy who tattooed “Cindy” on his chest, but the new old lady Rhonda ain’t cooking no more pot pies till you get her fixed, I’d just pour gas on your chest and light her up with an arc welder. Girly guys might get some of what doctors call your discomfort, which is French for “Holy $#%^ that hurts!” But at least you’ll be getting clean space to get a dragon that looks just like Rhonda. Plus you could tell chicks in bars you got them scars saving babies from burning apartments.

Chicks always go for guys who got burned up saving babies.

Dr Verne.

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

The FBI found a bottle of an antidepressant drug in the Unabomber suspect’s cabin. It’s a good thing he was taking that stuff… otherwise, he might have done something REALLY crazy…

Monday was tax day all across the USofA. Instead of trying to simplify those complicated forms, why doesn’t the IRS just issue decoder rings? Those who lie and cheat the federal government usually know their fate - chances are good they’ll end up reelected!

For killing their parents in their Beverly Hills, California mansion, Erik and Lyle Menendez were sentenced to life in prison without possibility of a book deal.

In Riverside, California, shouting broke out at a pro police rally. Whites told Latinos to go back to Mexico - Latinos told whites to go back to England. Well, Governor Pete Wilson PROMISED he’d get California moving again.

In his State of the City address, Mayor Richard Riorden portrayed Los Angeles as a city that has rounded the bend on the road to recovery. Now, is that the road with all the potholes, the road that’s sinking or the one that is still closed by CalTrans?

The Material Girl is now the Maternity Girl - we’re not exactly sure how long Madonna has been pregnant, but if the baby was conceived in late March it’s possible she’ll have her child on Christmas Day - setting a new world record for irony wrapped in swaddling irreverence.

Intuit and America Online are introducing a program for online banking. Wow! Virtual poverty!

Downsizing: Layoffs at Kellogg’s have left employees demoralized. Reporters asked Tony the Tiger what he really thinks about Frosted Flakes and he said, “Eh, they’re OK”.

More downsizing: Post plans to cut prices on its cereals. Competitors may follow suit. Breakfast food downsizing means from now on, it’ll only be LIEUTENANT Crunch. Inside of every box of Lucky Charms you’ll find “Orange stars! Green clovers! Pink slips!” To save money, they’ve also had to cut back on their regular toy surprises. Unfortunately, kids have had a hard time finding the new Invisible Man figures.

Ford may have to recall millions of cars because faulty ignitions could cause them to catch fire - even when parked. Apparently, Quality was Job Two. The folks in marketing haven’t missed a beat - if Broncos are found to be a fire hazard, they will be renamed Blazers. Boy, when Ford dealers advertise red-hot deals, they’re not kidding.

Someone in Australia has invented software that will help a person commit suicide. It’s already a hit with users of Windows 95 who still can’t get through to technical support. Hollywood has already bought the film rights. They’re going to call it, “Hard Drive: With a Vengeance.”

And finally in sports - okay, so the Chicago Bulls set a record by winning 70 games this season. The Lakers are still the best team - when push comes to shove.

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

A burglar breaks into a lawyer’s house and takes all his Christmas presents from under the tree.

He gets out, but the police nab him.

The thief says, “You can’t arrest me, ’cause I’m entitled to the presents of an attorney.”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in her kitchen, listening to her son play with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said “All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, “cause this is the last stop. And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train ’cause we’re leaving.”

The mother went in and told her son, “we don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now, go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son came out of the room and resumed playing with the train. Soon, the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those of you who are just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the Club Car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey. For those of you who are pissed off about the two-hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Two redneck wives were drinking tea and the one noticed that the other was pregnant.

“We don’t have to worry about that!” said one, pointing to her friend’s tummy. “For years now we are using the ‘Bucket and saucer’ method of contraception.”

“And what may that be?” asked the pregnant one.

“You see, my husband is quite short. So we do it standing up and he stands on a bucket to reach. So I watch him, and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him!”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

SCHIZOPHRENIA:

Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:

We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:

I Think I’ll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:

Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:

Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and…

PARANOID:

Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER:

You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry,

I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll tell you Why.

DEPRESSION:

Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock …

… (better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:

On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:

Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.