September 7th, 2008 by Admin
A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I’ve got this problem you see, only you’ve got to promise not to laugh.”
The doctor replies, “Of course I won’t laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“OK then,” says the man, and he drops his trousers. The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor.
Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes, “I’m so sorry,” he says to the patient, “I don’t know what came over me, I won’t let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?”
The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, “It’s swollen.”
September 7th, 2008 by Admin
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent.
As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts … although still silent … stink terribly.”
The doctor says, “Good!!! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
September 7th, 2008 by Admin
A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say,”Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?”
“Oh, that’s not a problem for us men anymore!” announces a proud physician, “They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history.”
So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.
“Doctor, Doctor!” exclaims the man excitedly, “I’ve got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It’s wonderful!”
“Well, I’m glad to hear that” says the pleased physician, “What does your wife think about it?”
“My wife?” asks the man, “I don’t know, I haven’t been home yet.”
September 7th, 2008 by Admin
In my 2nd year at University, I became fairly serious about Gabriella, a fellow student. Well, serious enough to take her home and meet my parents. My mother hated her on sight. However, in a typical bourgeois fashion, she never made comments about Gabriella that were less than totally positive. Quoting from memory, these are some of the things she said, and (in brackets), what I thought she really meant:
She’s vivacious
(She’s as high as a kite and a total bore)
She has a sparkling conversation
(She talks non-stop about herself, in a shrill voice)
She has an endearing accent
(Her peasant upbringing shows clearly)
She’s a careful driver
(But a reckless flier, on her broomstick)
I gather she’s very popular
(I gather she sleeps around a lot)
She has a trim body
(She’s a carpenter’s dream: flat as a board and easy to screw)
She has nice legs
(Pity about the hair)
I gather she’s interested in art
(I gather she has a phenomenal collection of centerfolds from HUNKS magazine)
She’s too young to marry
(I gave you life and I will take it away, if you even think marrying her)
I did not marry Gabriella. She married a Veterinary Doctor, had a number of adorable cats and two appalling children.
September 7th, 2008 by Admin
A guy walks into a doctor’s office and says “D-D-Doctor, I h-have a s-stuttering p-p-problem.”
The doc notices a big bulge in the guys crotch and says “Let’s have a look.” The doc is shocked to see that the guy has a 17″ schlong.
“What you have is Stutterus Schlongus. I can cure your stuttering by cutting off 10 inches.”
The guy says “okay” and the operation is done on the spot.
The next day the guys says “Doc, my wife left me because of the operations. I don’t care if I stutter, I want my schlong back!”
The doc looks at the floor and says “It’s t-t-too l-l-late!!!”
September 7th, 2008 by Admin
A gentile once wandered into a Jewish restaurant and ordered roast chicken.
The waiter said, “Take my advice and have the boiled beef today.”
“No thank you. I want the roast chicken”
“Listen to me. The roast chicken is not for you. Have the boiled beef”
“What is this? Don’t you suppose I know what I want? Bring me the roast chicken at once!” The diner was getting mad.
“I will not do that. I know better than you what you want.”
“Look,” said the diner striking the table a resounding blow, “get me the manager!”
The manager drawn by the noise, came bustling over. “What the hell is going on here?”
The waiter turned to him and said, “Listen. This guy didn’t come here to eat. He came here to give me an arguement.”
From “Asimov Laughs Again”, an absolutely wonderful book full of jokes and anecdotes from the Good Doctor.