August 7th, 2008 by Admin
At the card shop:
A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, “No.” A clerk came over and asked, “May I help you?”
“I don’t know,” said the woman. “Do you have any ‘Sorry I laughed at your dick’ cards?”
August 7th, 2008 by Admin
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuuming.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what’s bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Neither does any dishes.
7. Neither notice when you get your hair cut.
8. Both like dominance games.
9. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.
August 7th, 2008 by Admin
How Dogs Are Better Than Men
1. Dogs don’t have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you’re gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they’ve done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they’re jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. Dogs understand the word “no”.
10. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
August 7th, 2008 by Admin
A man went out drinking with his friends and came home the next morning to find his wife waiting for him. He apologized for worrying her but proceeded to tell her that he had been in the most elegant bar in the world! “Everything was gold.. the carpets, the glasses, the cutlery, the curtains and even the urinal. Here… I have a book of matches in my pocket. Phone if you don’t believe me.”
The incredulous wife did just that and asked the manager, “Is everything in your establishment really gold?”
“Yes,” he replied, “everything is gold colored.”
“Even the urinal?” she queried.
The manager put his hand over the phone and said to his bartender, “This is the wife of that guy who relieved himself in the tuba last night.”
August 7th, 2008 by Admin
“Doctor, I’ve got this problem,” a man says.
“My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day, she really works me over.”
“So what seems to be the problem?” the doctor asked.
“Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac,” the man continued. “I service her every morning when we get up.
I go home for a quick half hour everyday at lunchtime and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep.”
“I still don’t know what your problem is,” said the doctor.
“You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells.”
August 7th, 2008 by Admin
* Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
* Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”
* Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.
* If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
* Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.
* Birth control would come in ale or lager.
* You’d be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you’d worked for, like “The Lone Ranger.”
* Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
* The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
* “Sorry I’m late, but I was out getting wasted last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
* At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
* It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
* Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.
* Tanks would be far easier to rent.
* Garbage would take itself out.
* Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”
* Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said “You’re #1!”
* Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
* On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day, too.
* St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
* But it would be celebrated every month!
* Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
* The victors in any athletic competition would get to eat the losers for lunch.
* The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
* It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
* Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
* When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. For example:
Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”
* Faucets would run “Hot,” “Cold,” and “100 proof.”
* The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
* People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
* Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
* Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation