September 7th, 2008 by Admin

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his penis on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.

Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

“Look,” the pharmacist says, “if you can’t afford to lose, you shouldn’t bet.”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that..

Section 1: In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you’ve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

Section 1.01: And it’ll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like “So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!” and howling like a cat that’s being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

Section 1.02: I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

Section 2: I fully understand that a woman’s main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn’t there.

Section 3: Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl’s night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.

Section 3.01: I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.

Section 3.02: And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

Section 4: After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as “making love”), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

Section 4.01: I will never, ever give your penis a “cute” nickname.

Section 5: In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01: I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I’ll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

Section 5.02: I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.

Section 5.03: I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby’s butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.

Section 5.04: I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body and will always love your *weekend* beard…

Section 6: After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have “ruined me for other men”.

Section 6: I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you’re in charge of anything *mechanical*.

Section 6.01: With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

Signed ____________________________________ (female)

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Following is an Email rejection letter: Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on waivers.

Dear (her name) or babe,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified canditates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available or I become extremely horny.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

(Check those that apply)

___ Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed in another band prior to Wings revealed you do not meet my age requirements.

___ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload” indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for this position.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___ The only question you asked was how much money I make.

___ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.

___ My breasts are bigger than yours.

___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___ Your repeated comments such as, “Is it still called a penis when it’s this small?” were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

___ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.

___ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he “beats that domestic abuse rap” shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.

___ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom during our sexual encounters so it would be “just like” your college days seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

Your Name (Optional)

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Here is little something to help girls understang guys.

What guys sayWhat they mean
  
It is just orange juice, try it.3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head.
She’s kind of cuteI want to bang her till I am blue
I don’t know if I like herShe won’t blow me
I need youMy hand is tired
I had herI had (wet dreams about) her all week
I really want to get to know you better…so I can tell my friends about it
How do I compare with all you other boyfriends?Is my penis really that small?
You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared aboutYou are the only girl who has not rejected me
I want you back…for tonight anyway
We’ve been through so much togetherIf it was not for you, I never would have lost my virginity
I miss you so muchI am so horny that my roommate is starting to look good
No, I do not want to dance right nowShoot! She’ll know that I have a hard-on
The break-up should not start for another 24 hoursI want to have sex a few more times
I am different from all the other guysI am not circumsized

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Once upon a time there was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body, when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis.

He decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis. Just then, two old ladies were strolling about the sand, one walking with a cane.

Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it with her cane. She remarked to the other little old lady: “There ain’t no justice in this world.”

The other little old lady asked “What do you mean by that?”

“Well,” she said, “when I was 20 I was curious about it,”

“when I was 30 I enjoyed it.”

“When I was 40 I asked for it.”

“When I was 50 I paid for it.”

“When I was 60 I prayed for it.”

“When I was 70 I forgot about it.”

“And now that I’m 80 the damn things are growing wild and I’m too old too squat.”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady Luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s host could ask her the big question.

Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. “I’ve just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I’m not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.”

“Relax, honey,” her husband, Roger, reassured her. “It will all be OK.”

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

“Where are you going?” Jane asked.

“I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon,” he replied.

Jane waited impatiently for Roger’s return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. “Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s question and answer!”

“What is it?” she cried excitedly.

“OK. The question is: ‘What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?’ And the answer is ‘The head, the heart, and the penis.’ “

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. “The head, the heart, and the penis,” Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

“Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds.”

“Hmm, uhm, the head?” she said nervously.

“Very good. Six seconds,” he said.

“Eh, uh, the heart?”

“Very good! Four seconds left,” he said.

“I, uhh, ooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…”

“That’s close enough,” said the game show host… “CONGRATULATIONS!!”