September 7th, 2008 by Admin

A man walks into a pub with an ostrich to his left and a cat on his right. He orders a pint of beer for himself, the ostrich and the cat.

The cat shouts “I’m not paying for this round, I’m not paying” and they all go to sit down to drink their beer.

When they’re finished the same thing happens, the man goes for another pint each and the cat shouts “I’m not paying for this round either, you hear? I’m not paying!”

The bartender, unable to contain his curiosity any longer, asks the man “What’s going on here with the ostrich and the cat?”

The man replies “I dunno, something went wrong somewhere. I was outside the pub when a genie came up to me and granted me a wish… I asked for a big bird with a tight pussy”.

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot:

I am an elderly woman who lives alone. There are no senior centers in my area, and I live on a fixed income. I would love to get out and meet more people, but there seem to be very few options for someone my age. Is there some social outlet I don’t know about?

– Lonely In Laramie

Dear Lonely,

Kick it, lick it, watch where I stick it

Face down while I punch your ticket

Ride my king cobra ’round the world

Wanna do ya girl

Want ya pettin’ my big black cat

Blackberry jam don’t shake like that

If your booty’s extra-large, I’ll bring the funk

Wanna see some extra luggage in the trunk.

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot:

I am preparing an elegant dinner party for the holidays with approximately 30 guests. Many on the guest list have made special requests regarding next to whom they wish to be seated. Is it my job to accommodate as many requests as possible, or is my time better spent on the other details of the party?

– Baffled In Baldwin

Dear Baffled,

Drop ‘em and shake it, girl, ya won’t break it

Leave enough for me to take it

Mix likes to get down and make it

When the girl is large and naked

Talkin’ ’bout a booty with meat on the bones

Two scoops of chocolate, hold the cones

Wanna hit your pleasure zone

Mix-A-Lot gonna make you moan.

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot:

If you ask me, your response to “Torn In Tuscaloosa” was way off the mark. If her boyfriend doesn’t want to get off the couch and start working for a living, he’s nothing but a no-good, selfish moocher. That girl should drop him like a hot potato!

– Peeved In Peekskill

Dear Peeved,

Who’s afraid of my big bad weenie

Rub it and see if it’s got a genie

Gonna make disappear this 10-inch zucchini

Just like Houdini

M-I-X to the A-L-O-T rappin’

Wanna see yo’ butt cheeks flappin’

Mix want the honeys with the big back doors

So drop them drawers, whores. Unh.

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

A man was walking down a beach and saw a bottle floating in the surf. He thought to himself, “Oh, message in a bottle.” He took out the cork and out popped a genie.

The genie said, “Thank you for releasing me. Now you may have 3 wishes - however, I’m a special genie. I love my mother-in-law, so anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will receive double.”

The man first asked for a million dollar house on the beach. Poof! A gorgeous house appeared. Just then - POOF! - a house twice as big appeared next door and his mother-in-law was waving at him from the window.

He hurried inside to avoid her. As he was admiring his new house, he turned to the genie and said, “For my second wish, put $10 million on that table.”

Poof! There was so much money, it was falling off the table. Then POOF!! Next door, the money was flying out the windows - his mother-in-law got $20 million.

He was getting frustrated by this time and turned to the genie, “OK, let me get this straight. Whatever I wish for, my mother-in-law gets double.”

The genie said, “Yes, I’m the mother-in-law genie, and that’s the way it works.”

After scratching his head and thinking a bit, he suddenly turns to the genie and says, “OK, for my third wish, beat me half to death!”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

A black, a hispanic and a WASP were walking along the beach when they saw a bottle sticking out of the sand.

All three grabbed it at once and a genie came out of the bottle and said, “Because of your mutual participation, I will grant each of you one wish … what would you like to have?”

The black man indicated he wished everyone of his race would return to Africa and live in mutual peace and harmony.

“Your wish is granted,” said the Genie.

The hispanic man said he wished everyone of his race would return to Cuba and Mexico and live in mutual peace and harmony.

“You wish is granted,” the Genie said.

“What would you like to have?” the Genie asked the WASP.

“I’ll take a Bud Lite,” he replied.

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Dear GOD,

In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?

Jane

Dear GOD,

Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?

Lucy

Dear GOD,

Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?

Anita

Dear GOD,

Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Norma

Dear GOD,

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones,why don’t you just keep the ones you have now?

Jane

Dear GOD,

Who draws the lines around the countries?

Nan

Dear GOD,

I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?

Neil

Dear GOD,

What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.

Jane

Dear GOD,

Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Joyce

Dear GOD,

Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day

of rest. Tom L.

Dear GOD,

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.

Bruce

Dear GOD,

If You give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set.

Raphael

Dear GOD,

Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.

Larry

Dear GOD,

I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.

Sam

Dear GOD,

I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.

Ruth M.

Dear GOD,

I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.

Nan

Dear GOD,

If You watch me in church Sunday, I’ll show You my new shoes.

Mickey D.

Dear GOD,

I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.

Love, Chris

Dear GOD,

We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely,

Donna

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

A gentleman fellow was playing a leisurely round of golf one day, when he happened to shoot a “hole in one.” When he reached down to pluck his ball from the hole, a genie appeared and said she would grant him *ONE* wish.

He complained, saying that usually genies granted *THREE* wishes, not just one, but the genie would not give in. The man, not being well-endowed, wished for it to grow.

With a flash, the genie was gone.

Over the next few weeks, the man’s dick did grow … and grow … and grow, until it reached his knees.

Amazed, and somewhat concerned, the man decided something must be done about it. He returned to the golf course and shot thousands of balls until he finally got another “hole in one.”

Once again the genie appeared and said, “Hey, I remember you … what do you want this time?” The man gazed down at himself and explained his dilemma to the genie.

“So you want me to make it smaller?” the genie asked.

“Oh, no!” the man said. “I want you to make me taller.”