September 7th, 2008 by Admin

While in Israel I found a great buy on a computer. It is a kosher computer called a DELLSHALOM.

It was selling at such a good price that…well……… mine arrived today. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there were some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:

The cursor moves from right to left.

It comes with two hard drives, one for ‘Fleyshik’ business software and one for ‘Milchik’ games.

Instead of getting a “General Protection Fault” error, my PC now gets ‘Ferklempt’.

The Chanukah screen savers include ‘Flying Dreidels’.

The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

The “Start” button has been replaced with a “Let’s go! I’m not getting any younger!” button.

When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to “Remove the cable from the PC’s tuchus.”

The multimedia player has been renamed to “Nu, so play my music already!”

Internet Explorer has a spinning “Star of David” in the upper right corner.

I hear “Hava Nagila” during startup.

When running “scandisk,” it prompts with a “You want I should fix this?” message.

When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud “Oy Gevalt!”

There is a “monitor cleaning solution” from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the “schmutz und dreck” on your monitor.

After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes “Schluffen.”


Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.

The Y2K problem has been replaced by “Year 5760-5761″ issues.

If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears “You should be ashamed of yourself!”

When Spellcheck finds and error it prompts “Is this the best you can do?”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

The Rabbi rose with a red face and said, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the KKK. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community.”

No one moved.

The Rabbi continued, “Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and ! in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!”

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a “drop dead” gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop, rose in the third pew. Her head was


bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke.

“Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

Rachel and Esther meet for the first time in fifty years since university.

Rachel begins to tell Esther about her children. “My son is a doctor and he’s got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me Esther, how about your kids?”

Esther replies, “Unfortunately, Morty and I don’t have any children and so we have no grandchildren either.”

Rachel says, “No children? … and no grand kids? So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

It seems a man in Balham, South London decided to write a book about churches, mosques and synagogues around the country. He started by driving to Scotland and started working south from there.

He went to a very large church and began taking pictures. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign that reads; £10,000.00 a minute. Seeking out the reverend father he asks about the phone and the sign. The reverend father answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.

He thanks the reverend and continues on his way. As he visits churches and mosques in Glasgow, Newcastle, Blackpool, Carlisle, Cardiff, Birmingham and London, he finds more phones with the same sign. From each reverend father, vicar mullah and pastor he receives the same answer.

Finally, he arrives into Clayhall, Essex and into a synagogue. Upon entering, low and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone, but this time the sign reads; “Calls: 25 pence” Fascinated, he speaks to the Rabbi. “Rabbi I have been in cities all across the country and in each church and mosque I found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in all other places of worship the cost was £10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 25 pence a call. Why?”

The Rabbi , smiling benignly, replies; “My son, you’re in Clayhall, Essex now. It’s a local call.”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.

He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover Seder…..

“Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot.”

Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers,

“Why is this knight different from all other knights?”

September 7th, 2008 by Admin

The Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine.”

The Frenchman says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.”

The Russian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.”

The German says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have beer.”

The Mexican says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.”

The Jew says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.”