October 9th, 2007 by Admin

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.

October 9th, 2007 by Admin

A man rushed into the pub and asked “How tall do penguins grow?”

“About two or three feet,” replied the landlord.

“Oh No!”, said the man. “Then I’ve just run over a nun!”

October 9th, 2007 by Admin

From a Belgian in Canada:

Putting a light coat of icing sugar in someone’s bed. The very fine stuff. Nice and dry when they go to bed, like glue after a few hours of perspiring…

Stretching saran-wrap (transparent plastic film) over the toilet, BELOW! the ring. Never noticed until too late…

October 9th, 2007 by Admin

This is one of the funniest pieces I have ever come across. It is apparently from a real log…

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as “cybersex”. Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you’ll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn’t seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does…

Wellhung:Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart:I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I’m toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung:I’m 6′3″ and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I’m also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner… it smells funny.
Sweetheart:I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung:OK
Sweetheart:We’re in my bedroom. There’s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I’m looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung:I’m gulping, I’m beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart:I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung:Now I’m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart:I’m moaning softly.
Wellhung:I’m taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart:I’m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I’m rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung:My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I’m sorry.
Sweetheart:That’s OK, it wasn’t really too expensive.
Wellhung:I’ll pay for it.
Sweetheart:Don’t worry about it. I’m wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung:I’m fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it’s stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart:I take your hand and kiss it softly. I’m reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung:How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart:I’m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung:I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know, breasts. They’re neat!
Sweetheart:I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling your ear.
Wellhung:I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart:What?
Wellhung:I’m so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart:I’m wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung:I’m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart:OK. I’m pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung:I’m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart:I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung:I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you…umm… wait a minute.
Sweetheart:What’s the matter?
Wellhung:I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.
Sweetheart:Are you OK?
Wellhung:I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.
Sweetheart:Can I help?
Wellhung:I’m running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I’m fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart:In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung:I’m drinking a cup of water. There, that’s better.
Sweetheart:Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung:I’m washing the cup now.
Sweetheart:I’m on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung:I’m drying the cup. Now I’m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it’s dark, I’m lost. Where’s the bedroom?
Sweetheart:Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung:I found it.
Sweetheart:I’m tuggin’ off your pants. I’m moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung:Me too.
Sweetheart:Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung:Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart:Why don’t you take off your glasses?
Wellhung:OK, but I can’t see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart:I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung:I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart:Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung:I find the bathroom and it’s dark. I’m feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart:I’m waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung:I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush handle, but I can’t find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart:What’s the matter now?
Wellhung:I’ve realized that I’ve peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I’m walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart:Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung:OK, now I’m going to put my… you know… thing… in your… you know… woman’s thing.
Sweetheart:Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung:I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I’m having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart:I’m moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can’t stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung:I’m flaccid.
Sweetheart:What?
Wellhung:I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.
Sweetheart:I’m standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung:I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I’m going to get my glasses and see what’s wrong.
Sweetheart:No, never mind. I’m getting dressed. I’m putting on my underwear. Now I’m putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung:No wait! Now I’m squinting, trying to find the night table. I’m feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart:I’m buttoning my blouse. Now I’m putting on my shoes.
Wellhung:I’ve found my glasses. I’m putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I’m pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart:Go to hell. I’m logging off, you loser!
Wellhung:Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart:(logged off)

October 9th, 2007 by Admin

You can get chocolate any time you want.
“If you love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind.
Two people of the same sex can have chocolate (even in public), without being called nasty names.
The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate.
You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
With chocolate there’s no need to fake it.
Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbours awake.
With chocolate size doesn’t matter.

October 9th, 2007 by Admin

Word processors never display a cursor.
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
All monitors display inch-high letters.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
Those that don’t have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, “ACCESS THE SECRET FILES” on any near-by keyboard.
You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing “UPLOAD VIRUS”. (See “Fortress”.)
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer even if it’s turned off.
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)
All computer panels have operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards.
People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data.
A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries.
You may bypass “PERMISSION DENIED” message by using the “OVERRIDE” function. (See “Demolition Man”.)
Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average 2 minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset.
Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.
If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (See “Clear and Present Danger”).
If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it.
Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See “Independence Day”.)
Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any platforms.
The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have. (See “Aliens”.)
Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no labels except for the “SELF-DESTRUCT” button.
Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities.
Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.
Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their face. (See “Alien” or “2001″.)
Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (See “Mission Impossible”, Tom Cruise searches with keywords like “file” and “computer” and 3 results are returned.)